Your mouth is God's brothel.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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