I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
