Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
