apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she told me i tasted like america
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Everyone says I win the strip club
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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