omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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