i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
