Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
