I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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