eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
