if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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