guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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