Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
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look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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