My Higher Power is John Stamos
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
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That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
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We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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