My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
