Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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