Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We need to get me chipped asap
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
