And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
