Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
