Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
