I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
