Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
