I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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