My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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