Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
