I cannot find my penis.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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