I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Randomize
