Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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