Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
