She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
tequila makes me forget i have legs
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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