Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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