Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
