i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
