he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize