i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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