Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
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You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
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I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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