Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
