for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
