omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
