I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
