yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
