You're so nebulous sometimes
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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