He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
