not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
