and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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