I hope mine doesn't look like that
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
