mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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