This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
