The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
