you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
