Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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