She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
