So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It's blow job season.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
