Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
