I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My bed is full of blood and feathers
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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