first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
