there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
