Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You need Xanax blowdarts
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
